Most of us don't set out to be uncivil.

Often, we are operating on the belief that we are doing the right thing by standing up for our deeply held convictions. We may feel we are "fighting" for truth or justice. These are admirable pursuits.

However, what often happens is that we shoot ourselves in the foot with our declarative posture, inadvertently increasing resistance to the message we so passionately want to communicate.

What if there were a way to lower defenses and increase receptivity without compromising conviction?

Studies show that the majority of the population is tired of the incivility and wants to do something about it. Many just don't know where to start.

Here is what it actually takes to get there.

It is not for the faint of heart because:

1. You might have to recognize that your communication has been ineffective. It is hard to admit that our well-intended efforts may have been working against us.

2. There can be social pressure when we lean in toward the "other side" rather than retreat from it.

Take a minute to think about those interactions where emotions run high.

Why do emotions run high?

Because we care. We feel there is something important at stake.

So what is our instinctive response?

Push. Persuade. Argue. Come up with that perfect "drop the mic" line that will leave people speechless.

However, outside of Hollywood scripts, this technique rarely produces the result we hope for: the other person suddenly realizing the folly of their position and acknowledging that we were brilliantly right all along.

First: It Starts with the Mindset of Civility

The essential starting point is viewing even the people we disagree with vehemently as fellow human beings with inherent value and worthy of respect.

We need to begin with the settled mindset—even if we do not feel it in the moment—that we have more in common than we do in contrast as fellow human beings.

This is especially important when others are behaving uncivilly toward us.

In fact, these moments provide the greatest opportunity for simple acts of civility to have the most powerful impact.

Second: Gain Control of Your Inner Dialogue

Instead of reacting impulsively in the heat of the moment, we can learn to respond in a way that is in keeping with our deepest values.

This is the essence of Relational Wisdom—the form of emotional intelligence that we teach.

Ask yourself:

• What am I feeling?

• What is likely to happen if I continue on this present course?

• What can I do instead?

• What understandable need or fear might be driving the other person's emotion, and how can I address it?

• How can I respond in a way that is congruent with my deepest values?

• Who do I aspire to be in moments like these?

Few people would answer that last question with, "An uncivil hothead."

Usually, we simply care deeply and have not yet learned how to channel our emotions toward a productive outcome.

Finally: Strategies for Navigating Difficult Conversations

The approach we teach in our training is built on two foundational principles supported by extensive research and experience.

1. People Want to Feel Seen, Heard, and Valued

There is a growing body of evidence showing how important this is for human flourishing.

When those elements are absent, people not only fail to thrive, but conflict often increases.

Think about it.

Most times when we become emotionally charged, it is because we feel unheard, dismissed, or misunderstood.

Have you ever felt like Chicken Little, crying, "The sky is falling! Why aren't you taking me seriously?"

Or perhaps even worse, have you felt that others were mischaracterizing you in deeply unfair or uncharitable ways?

However—and this is so powerful if we can just get our minds around it—when we feel seen, heard, and understood, defenses begin to lower and trust begins to grow.

When we experience someone's genuine respect—not feigned politeness, but a sincere desire to understand, even in disagreement—and when we sense their goodwill toward us, resistance decreases and receptivity increases.

There is also substantial evidence demonstrating the positive effects of creating workplace environments where people feel seen and heard.

In fact, it is becoming increasingly clear that this atmosphere is a prerequisite for maximizing productivity, creativity, and collaboration.

One well-known example is Google's multi-year study examining what differentiated high-performing teams from lower-performing teams. Researchers were surprised to discover that one of the most important factors was psychological safety.

In other words, team members felt free to share ideas, ask questions, and even admit mistakes without fear of negative repercussions from the rest of the team.

But this principle extends far beyond the workplace.

The need to feel seen, heard, and valued is just as important with our kids, our spouse, our friends, and our neighbors.

If what we really want at our core is to feel seen, heard, and valued, then when we actually experience those things, we begin to thrive at work, at home, and in all our relationships.

2. People Usually Respond to Us in Kind

Author and founder of Relational Wisdom 360, Ken Sande, calls this "The Golden Result."

When we approach others with a blaming or critical disposition, they will usually respond in the same way.

Conversely, when we approach someone with humility, genuine respect, a desire to understand, or an acknowledgment of our own contribution to the conflict, people often respond in kind.

Not only that, but brain chemistry begins working in our favor, helping lay the foundation for trust and warm human connection—even when disagreement remains.

We have seen this happen time and time again.

The Good News: We Can Learn Civility

In our workshops, we teach simple but powerful strategies for reframing our mindset, increasing emotional intelligence, and navigating conversations of all kinds—including those where disagreement is present and emotions are heightened.

These concepts can be game-changing in relationships at home and at work.

Again, there is substantial research and neuroscience supporting these ideas. It is truly fascinating.

But perhaps the most important thing to remember is this:

Because of the brain's remarkable neuroplasticity—its ability to form new neural pathways—we can literally rewire ourselves to become more civil in a lasting and meaningful way.

This is very good news.

We can learn.

We can grow.

And just one person learning and growing can have a significant impact on the culture around them.

One person at a time, we believe culture can change.

Together, we can reclaim civility and create environments where people feel respected, seen, and heard—strengthening relationships and fostering respect even across profound differences.

FAQ

What is civil dialogue?

Civil dialogue is the practice of engaging others with respect and dignity, even when there is significant disagreement.

Does civility mean avoiding difficult conversations?

No. Civility is not about avoiding disagreement. It is about navigating disagreement in a way that promotes understanding rather than increasing hostility.

Why do people become defensive during conversations?

People often become defensive when they feel unheard, misunderstood, dismissed, or unfairly characterized.

Can emotional intelligence improve difficult conversations?

Yes. Greater emotional awareness and self-regulation can help us respond thoughtfully rather than react impulsively, creating better outcomes in difficult conversations.

Can people learn to become more civil?

Absolutely. Thanks to neuroplasticity, people can develop new habits, strengthen emotional intelligence, and improve how they communicate over time.