What Civility Is — and What It Is Not
In our current culture, civility is often dismissed as weak or naïve.
I recently heard a seasoned politician say that if you are civil, you won’t get elected. That thinking, however, comes from a misunderstanding of what true civility actually is.
Author Alexandra Hudson explains that civility is more than mere politeness. Politeness refers to polished surface behavior. We have all encountered people who are polished on the outside but duplicitous on the inside.
Civility goes much deeper.
According to Hudson, civility is:
“A disposition that recognizes and respects the common humanity, the fundamental personhood, and the inherent dignity of other human beings.”
Civility is not just behavior. It is a posture of the heart that shapes every interaction.
And it is the necessary starting point for productive dialogue in both private and public life.
What Civility Is Not
Understanding civility begins with clarifying what it is not.
Civility does not mean:
Only listening without presenting your viewpoint
Agreeing with everything
Avoiding accountability or justice
Simply “being nice”
There are times when it is unkind and disrespectful not to offer a counter perspective.
There are also times when it is unkind and disrespectful not to hold someone accountable.
True civility allows space for disagreement. But when we disagree, we do so with respect for our shared humanity and the inherent dignity of the other person.
Why Respectful Disagreement Strengthens Democracy
When conversations begin with a posture of civility, disagreement can actually strengthen democracy.
Viewpoint diversity helps us move closer to truth.
I recently had a conversation with a friend about the importance of civic education in democratic dialogue. While we agreed that civic education matters, we disagreed about some of the specifics.
However, as I tried to understand her arguments in their strongest possible form, I gained clarity about the exact point of disagreement between us. That clarity sharpened my thinking—and hopefully hers.
Even in disagreement, we were working together toward truth.
Robust dialogue combined with mutual respect strengthens unity because it allows diverse viewpoints to be explored rather than suppressed.
The Cost of Incivility
The alternative is far more damaging.
When people fear speaking honestly because of social backlash, the free exchange of ideas diminishes. The pool of ideas shrinks, and society loses the benefits that viewpoint diversity provides.
Heightened emotions also make productive thinking more difficult.
As Ken Sande, author and founder of Relational Wisdom, says:
“When emotions go up, reason goes down.”
Research suggests we can lose as many as fifteen IQ points when emotions escalate.
Civility therefore isn’t optional. It is foundational for productive dialogue in our communities, workplaces, and public institutions.
Why Civility Feels Harder Today
Incivility itself is nothing new. But certain aspects of it are unique to our time.
Families, workplaces, and governments are experiencing breakdowns in communication that often follow a familiar pattern:
Breakdown in communication → mistrust → disconnection → polarization.
Add to this:
social media algorithms
online echo chambers
generational value differences
…and it becomes clear why civility feels increasingly difficult.
The cost is significant. According to the Society for Human Resource Management’s 2025 Civility Index, workplace incivility costs U.S. organizations an estimated $2.3 billion per day.
The Exhausted Majority
Yet there is reason for hope.
Studies consistently show that most Americans are tired of incivility. Some researchers refer to this group as “The Exhausted Majority.”
They want better conversations.
They want healthier communities.
But many simply don’t know where to start.
Reclaiming Civility
Reclaiming Civility exists to partner with that exhausted majority.
Our goal is to equip people with practical skills that strengthen relationships at home, at work, and in public life. These skills include emotional intelligence, conversation strategies, and tools for maintaining respect even when disagreements are strong.
Because the skills of civility are foundational to every meaningful conversation, we are thrilled to bring together two leading voices working to promote civility in our divided country.
A Conversation on Courageous Citizenship
On March 30, Maury Giles, CEO of Braver Angels, will share the principles of Courageous Citizenship. (You can register for this upcoming event HERE)
He describes it as choosing connection over contempt across political differences—in other words, disagreement without disrespect.
Maury will be joined by Alexandra Hudson, bestselling author of The Soul of Civility, for a Q&A conversation about the Civic Renaissance communities emerging across the country inspired by her work.
Their efforts—and the organizations they lead—demonstrate that America is ready for a new tone in civic discourse.
Not only is change possible.
It is already happening.
Conclusion
Civility is not weakness.
It is the foundation for honest dialogue, stronger relationships, and a healthier democracy.
When we approach one another with respect for our shared humanity, disagreement does not divide us. Instead, it helps us think more clearly and work together toward better solutions.
Together, we can pursue civility in our homes, our workplaces, and our communities.
And in doing so, we strengthen the relationships that hold society together.
FAQ
What is civility?
Civility is a disposition that recognizes and respects the inherent dignity and humanity of every person. It goes beyond politeness and shapes how we engage in disagreement.
Is civility the same as being nice?
No. Civility does not mean avoiding conflict or always agreeing. It allows for disagreement while maintaining respect for others.
Why is civility important in democracy?
Democracy depends on open dialogue and the exchange of ideas. Civility allows people with different viewpoints to engage productively rather than destructively.
Can you disagree and still be civil?
Yes. In fact, civil disagreement can sharpen thinking and bring people closer to truth when conversations are grounded in respect.
