Choosing Conversation Over Disconnection
A Moment That Could Have Gone Differently
While waiting at a red light at an intersection where a “No King” rally was taking place, a driver—wearing a red Make America Great Again hat—noticed a protester stepping off the curb and approaching his car.
From the outside, it looked like a confrontation was about to unfold.
But then something unexpected happened.
The protester extended his hand and said,“We are both Americans.”
They made eye contact. A thumbs-up followed. And just like that, the tension dissolved.
Maury Giles, CEO ofBraver Angels, shared this story at Civility in the City, Reclaiming Civility’s recent event at the University of Colorado, Colorado Springs.
He used it to illustrate a powerful concept: courageous citizenship.
What Is Courageous Citizenship?
Courageous citizenship is the choice to step out of the outrage cycle and intentionally connect with people across differences.
It means:
Choosing curiosity over assumption
Engagement over avoidance
Local action over passive frustration
It starts with small, unexpected moments—especially when disagreement feels strongest.
The Growing Cost of Disconnection
A recent poll from the American Psychological Association revealed something concerning:
About half of U.S. adults feel political tension makes them want to connect less
28% feel they have“nothing in common”with those who think differently
This isn’t just about politics—it’s about relationships.
In recent years, stories of disconnection have become painfully common:
Family gatherings strained or avoided
Friendships quietly dissolving
Grandchildren never meeting grandparents
Layer this with rising loneliness and mental health struggles, and the impact becomes much bigger.
Why Conversation Matters More Than Ever
Conversation isn’t just a social skill—it’s a civic one.
It affects:
Our relationships
Our communities
The health of democracy itself
As Maury points out, democracy depends on our ability to engage with one another—even when we disagree.
Where Do We Start?
Step 1: Reduce the Outrage Input
A good first step is to take an honest look at how much outrage you’re consuming—especially on social media.
Much of what shows up in our feeds is designed to provoke strong emotional reactions. And the more we engage with it, the more of it we see.
Maury offers one simple, practical suggestion:
Don’t read the comments.
It sounds small, but it matters. Comment sections are often where conversations break down the fastest—where nuance disappears and outrage takes over.
Stepping back from that space doesn’t mean disengaging from important issues.
It means choosing how you engage—and protecting your capacity to do it well.
Step 2: Reframe How You See Others
From there, the work becomes more internal.
Courageous citizenship begins with a shift in how we see the person in front of us—especially when we disagree.
Every person has inherent dignity
Shared humanity exists—even when values differ
This doesn’t mean agreement.
It doesn’t mean avoiding hard conversations.
It means refusing to reduce someone to a label, a headline, or a single belief.
Step 3: Use One Simple, Powerful Phrase
Then, when you do find yourself in a difficult conversation, there’s a simple place to start:
“Tell me more about that.”
It’s easy to overlook how powerful this is.
Instead of reacting, you’re inviting.
Instead of escalating, you’re opening space.
This phrase:
De-escalates tension
Signals respect
Creates room for understanding
And it’s backed by science.
Curiosity activates the brain’s reward system and helps engage more rational thinking—making it easier to stay grounded, even when emotions are high.
In other words:
Curiosity calms. Calm connects.
Breaking the Outrage Cycle
Outrage is addictive. And it’s quietly eroding both relationships and society.
But there’s another path.
Through courageous citizenship, we can:
Step out of reactive patterns
Re-engage with people we disagree with
Build solutions rooted in understanding rather than division
And thanks to neuroplasticity—the brain’s ability to rewire through repeated practice—this isn’t just possible.
It’s trainable.
Small Moments, Big Impact
That moment at the red light wasn’t just a feel-good story.
It was a reminder:
Connection doesn’t require agreement.
It requires courage.
And often, it begins with something small:
A question
A pause
A willingness to listen
If you want to go deeper, our Essential Skills workshops explore practical, research-backed ways to de-escalate difficult conversations, reduce polarization, and build stronger human connection.
Click here to learn more about and attend upcoming events and start building these skills today.
FAQ
What is courageous citizenship?
Courageous citizenship is the practice of engaging respectfully with people who hold different views, with the goal of building understanding, reducing division, and strengthening connection.
How can I have better conversations with people I disagree with?
Start with curiosity. Ask open-ended questions like “Tell me more about that,” and focus on understanding rather than persuading.
Why does curiosity help in difficult conversations?
Curiosity activates parts of the brain associated with reward and rational thinking, which helps reduce emotional reactivity and improves communication.
How can I reduce political stress?
Limit exposure to outrage-driven media—especially social media comment sections—and prioritize real, meaningful conversations over reactive online exchanges.
